The Lights

levithepoet:

“The great sin of the world is not that the human race has failed to work for God so as to increase his glory but that we have failed to delight in God so as to reflect his glory.” - Piper

#GladMissions

The Devil’s beating down on me.

My friends are lashing out at me.

My accusers are throwing stone at me.

And the bruises are hard to see…

They are invisible because you want them to be.

No one can know hurt

That they don’t see,

That they don’t feel.

It’s not really real.

Close your eyes,

Withdraw your touch.

Because you may see

And feel

Too much.

I know that this is probably a dumb thing to do, considering no one really cares how I feel. But I thought if anyone did then this would explain some things. And also, I have nothing better to do.

As some know, I just got back from a mission trip to Jamaica. What some don’t know is how frustrated I have been feeling. I have no idea how to cope with these feelings or why they are there. I have been super clumsy and unfortunate things have been happening since I came back. I am very frustrated by this but there is also this underlying frustration. I have no idea what it is. I think it is just that I am feeling very discouraged and demoralized… I don’t even know if those are the right words.

I feel like some of my friends are not really friends. I feel like they don’t really care about me until they have a problem and they are able to lean on me through it. And also I feel like a lot of them have just straight up cut me out of their lives. Which is up to them but I would like them to be up front with me about that. =/

I also feel like people look down on me for my mistakes. I mean, not all of them. But the ones who do have made me super insecure. The ones who call me out on my insecurities and imperfections, are ruining it for everyone because now every time I make a mistake or something goes wrong, I go into hysterics. Because I know that there is going to be that one person that makes me feel bad or that one person that points the finger. And I know that this is stupid because only God can judge my life in the end and it doesn’t matter what others think but I have lived a life believing that it does matter and it is hard for me to break myself of that habit.

I also feel useless and without purpose since I have been out of school these past three days. I have nothing left to do for the whole summer. I really need a job or activity because I am starting to feel very useless and bored. =/

So I feel a lot better now that I got all of that out.

It was probably pointless but it helped me to say them. =]

I am sitting in Starbucks waiting for three to roll around so I can go take my second final. I am not studying. I am not even studying for the one right after it, Accounting. I don’t care and I am trying to keep myself firm in the idea that I do not care and I am trying to also keep myself calm. I am trying to keep my hands away from the books, because they cannot help me now. I have crammed all I can and if it doesn’t pay off, well that sucks. But I already know I tried. Why stress and worry and wear myself out too much over it.

I am just sick and tired and I know that finals isn’t the best time to slack off but it is the only time to slack off for me. I just hope that it doesn’t come back to bite me on the accounting finally. I have only just skimmed my accounting work.

But no… I am not worrying. I am just going to hope for the best, Pray to remember what I have learned, and take the tests and get them out of the way. By Saturday I will be on my way to Jamaica … and that is really good. That’s good. That’s great.

This is me telling myself things to calm myself. I will do well on the tests. I will be okay in Jamaica. I will pass my classes. I will be okay. My speech on Wednesday will go fine. =]. And that is all I have to say about the matters.

Thank you for tuning into this rambling, it was probably a waste of your time though. I apologize for that.